H.O.P.E Tree!

You know, it’s been ages I haven’t written down anything. Not because I didn’t have anything to jot down, but because nothing has provoked me as much, as it did tonight.

‘Boulevard of broken dreams’.

 That is what is been playing on shuffle, inside my head. You might wonder, what would’ve gone wrong, for me to sound such distressed today. Right?

Nada. Absolutely nothing. Everything is ideally first class, just top notch. Then why do I perceive this endless, daunting worry, which burns my fat and kills my mind? Why am I always, the chaser of my dreams and yet the aimless wanderer in life?

Life, as they say, is a roller coaster ride. The more it takes you down and low, the more it bounces you back, high and happy. Well, it occurs to me that I’m at my low point. And who knows, whether I’m gonna be bounced off too violently this time, or its just gonna be a speed-braker sized easy jollity? That is exactly what has petrified me right now. Everything is perfect, but my mind and the infinite chase, isn’t. 

Some days, I feel its crazy happy as fuck, and some days, its all drowning into self constructed emotional presumptions. That has stricken me to death. The fear that I won’t be able to sustain prolonged happiness. They say,’you fear the unknown’. Things, and situations make you afraid, only because you are uncertain of their existence, or you suspect the consequence turning out to be negative.

Then why is my fear any different from others? Why do I fear something, that I’ve always went through, passed and moved on, and felt happy too, and yet is again created inside? Where does the unknown part lie in my context?

My fear is, I might be too driven towards that one thing in life, a guy, my career, my responsibilities, my family, friends etcetera,  that I might actually distract myself from all the other things. I’m an extremist, a very cheerful person or an incalculably depressed soul. I’m on an endless swing, the swing that’s too high, or it’s completely parallel to earth. There’s no midway, I don’t find myself somewhere in between, in between the shades of grey amidst the constant black and whites! 

What if I love somebody too hard, that I neglect all my friends, and family? What if, I strive towards my responsibilities too intently, and abandon the social existence of my life? What if, I become too career directed that I mislay my spiritual obligations?

Why is that, for me, there’s only one route! And the rest are occluded? What is this fear? Fear of being a true- blue? Fear of extreme devotedness? What is it called?

Not that I haven’t tried weighing all these situations concurrently . I’ve assayed to be a good beloved, a good child, a good friend, an oriented learner; and then, when I’m on a leap, when everything is splendid, why is it that something happens, and my world crumples down altogether. Why can't the universe stand me happy and shining? 

 

This year has been full of such wreckage, more than what life has ever put me through. I did feel like giving up, all the time. Maybe, for a time or two, I gave up unduly. And then, again, I couldn’t. I somehow, strangely couldn’t.  When they didn’t believe in me, I kept stalking and talking. Tracking them, trying my luck. Fighting, hearing and all that sorts. I guess, that’s innate, that’s me. I couldn’t have done anything without them, or even if I would’ve have, how could I think about abandoning them? Or surviving without these little chases in life? I explicitly announce, that I do not find content in anything. I’m the most loyal person and yet I’m chasing all of them, with parallel devotion. But the thing here that matters is, the nerve one has to have, to fight for the things he has been longing for. And also, because somebody once told me, ‘you never give up, on the things you love’. I guess that’s the dictum, which has kept me going, in spite of the breath choking fear I posses everyday. The seedling of hope that I’m born with, I feel I want to see it grow, into a big green hope tree one day. I guess, this hope has kept me alive and happy, at least what you see me after a dark night, when the roller coaster goes up. Because, I have this faith, that someday, just one day, all the pieces of my life that I find myself scattered with, will exactly fall into the right place. Not for infinity, but for only one beautiful moment. Just one moment, when everything will be perfect. There’ll be no fear. There’ll be only smiles. Constant smiles. And after that, I believe I won’t mind life falling into the roller-coaster zone again, because I shall water my hope tree again then, waiting for my another rare happy-one moment.

 Else, what would life be, if everything fell just right for ever? Right?