H.O.P.E Tree!

You know, it’s been ages I haven’t written down anything. Not because I didn’t have anything to jot down, but because nothing has provoked me as much, as it did tonight.

‘Boulevard of broken dreams’.

 That is what is been playing on shuffle, inside my head. You might wonder, what would’ve gone wrong, for me to sound such distressed today. Right?

Nada. Absolutely nothing. Everything is ideally first class, just top notch. Then why do I perceive this endless, daunting worry, which burns my fat and kills my mind? Why am I always, the chaser of my dreams and yet the aimless wanderer in life?

Life, as they say, is a roller coaster ride. The more it takes you down and low, the more it bounces you back, high and happy. Well, it occurs to me that I’m at my low point. And who knows, whether I’m gonna be bounced off too violently this time, or its just gonna be a speed-braker sized easy jollity? That is exactly what has petrified me right now. Everything is perfect, but my mind and the infinite chase, isn’t. 

Some days, I feel its crazy happy as fuck, and some days, its all drowning into self constructed emotional presumptions. That has stricken me to death. The fear that I won’t be able to sustain prolonged happiness. They say,’you fear the unknown’. Things, and situations make you afraid, only because you are uncertain of their existence, or you suspect the consequence turning out to be negative.

Then why is my fear any different from others? Why do I fear something, that I’ve always went through, passed and moved on, and felt happy too, and yet is again created inside? Where does the unknown part lie in my context?

My fear is, I might be too driven towards that one thing in life, a guy, my career, my responsibilities, my family, friends etcetera,  that I might actually distract myself from all the other things. I’m an extremist, a very cheerful person or an incalculably depressed soul. I’m on an endless swing, the swing that’s too high, or it’s completely parallel to earth. There’s no midway, I don’t find myself somewhere in between, in between the shades of grey amidst the constant black and whites! 

What if I love somebody too hard, that I neglect all my friends, and family? What if, I strive towards my responsibilities too intently, and abandon the social existence of my life? What if, I become too career directed that I mislay my spiritual obligations?

Why is that, for me, there’s only one route! And the rest are occluded? What is this fear? Fear of being a true- blue? Fear of extreme devotedness? What is it called?

Not that I haven’t tried weighing all these situations concurrently . I’ve assayed to be a good beloved, a good child, a good friend, an oriented learner; and then, when I’m on a leap, when everything is splendid, why is it that something happens, and my world crumples down altogether. Why can't the universe stand me happy and shining? 

 

This year has been full of such wreckage, more than what life has ever put me through. I did feel like giving up, all the time. Maybe, for a time or two, I gave up unduly. And then, again, I couldn’t. I somehow, strangely couldn’t.  When they didn’t believe in me, I kept stalking and talking. Tracking them, trying my luck. Fighting, hearing and all that sorts. I guess, that’s innate, that’s me. I couldn’t have done anything without them, or even if I would’ve have, how could I think about abandoning them? Or surviving without these little chases in life? I explicitly announce, that I do not find content in anything. I’m the most loyal person and yet I’m chasing all of them, with parallel devotion. But the thing here that matters is, the nerve one has to have, to fight for the things he has been longing for. And also, because somebody once told me, ‘you never give up, on the things you love’. I guess that’s the dictum, which has kept me going, in spite of the breath choking fear I posses everyday. The seedling of hope that I’m born with, I feel I want to see it grow, into a big green hope tree one day. I guess, this hope has kept me alive and happy, at least what you see me after a dark night, when the roller coaster goes up. Because, I have this faith, that someday, just one day, all the pieces of my life that I find myself scattered with, will exactly fall into the right place. Not for infinity, but for only one beautiful moment. Just one moment, when everything will be perfect. There’ll be no fear. There’ll be only smiles. Constant smiles. And after that, I believe I won’t mind life falling into the roller-coaster zone again, because I shall water my hope tree again then, waiting for my another rare happy-one moment.

 Else, what would life be, if everything fell just right for ever? Right?

STRENGTH AND FORLORN. TOGETHER?

I have always overheard people reprehend these lines, ‘strongest people are the loneliest.’ Every single time that I’ve come across it, my mind raises a question, ‘Am I strong then?’There’s a debacle over the issue and eventually I’m left clueless. Unanswered. Cause for me, I do get lonely at times. Does that make me strong but?

I no more unravel the definition of strong people. Do they mean physically strong, emotionally strong or is it actually intellectually strong? 

I presume every creature goes through the heavy despair state, that may be gentle or severe at times. You may be exceedingly delighted today but who knows you fall into acute desolation tomorrow?

 And the cycle continues!  

How does that make you strong or no strong? If there is a person who’s a control freak, and can handle his mental stress too well, is called someone strong; then what about that soldier who can handle too many wounds at once, and manage to fight regardless? Is he not claimed to be strong now?

 I believe no one’s strong or weak. And I mean that in all context. Everyone is accorded with an equal power to make something surface, to contend for or averse on something, to possess the so-called supreme brains to be tagged as intellectual otherwise. If you have the will, the spine to do whatever you yearn for; well, I guess you can be defined as being strong then? Strength is not the knack to control or restrain yourself from doing something. It also doesn’t mean resisting until your body sheds off blood. Strength is not concealing your sorrow or being able to smile it away in front of others or cry aloud while they are gone. It is having the itch to face it. Strength is capturing the context.

If you are a sucker at studies, if you flunk in a couple of exams. If he calls you awful and you’re being disowned for your kindness. If you don’t comprehend things easily.  If they treat you as an underdog, for they consider you less. If every person in the world is smart and physically gorgeous, and you’re just one crooked dumbass. Regardless of the all the attributes that they possess, if they don’t have the courage to face their vulnerabilities and invade them, whilst you innate the ‘Never Back Down’ attitude; then well Mister, you’re strong. And they are weak.

Also, loneliness is not a crime. Doesn’t necessarily mean that all the people are strong and all the strongest are the loneliest. The weak souls, who bet being strong, do get deserted too.  It’s okay to be elated at times, and cry aloud when you feel lonesome. It is only the secret treatment that makes it objectionable. If you call yourself strong just to brag about it; and later go back home, lock yourself up in the shower and cry like a freak, and make sure nobody hears you through the falling water; then for your enlightment: YOU ARE WEAK. Cause’ you’re not facing it.

So next time if anyone calls you weak or strong, tell them you did not finish even after the worse struck you. You didn’t impede yourself from the context, you captured it. Tell them you’re strong and you’re strong enough. Loneliness doesn’t pull you any back, it makes you move ahead, and with  greater intent. For you are strong, and grieved at times, but you’re a force that doesn’t cease to exist. You’re crooked but you’re YOU, with your flaws. You accept them. You do get lonely and you assert it with much pride, and this makes you strong and impregnable. But weak people are forsaken too, and perhaps they are more than what you are. And so, you’re not the ONLY lonely people alive. There are others too.

Things happen for the good.

Life was more of a downhill for me. After my last breakup, I had almost given up on friendships that transitioned into love. In fact, the feeling of love itself alienate me from everyone. I never believed that I could feel the same again, or even a tiny bit of it. Nurturing myself with immense care, taking baby steps, I somehow walked, taking one day at a time.

I wasn’t a very attractive girl, most of the times I didn't consider myself average. And

to prove my inferiority right, all my past relationship did end due to the same reason. It really got me into a small cocoon, feeling depressed and low. 

But inside, like every other girl, I wanted to be besotted. I wanted someone to love me for once, like the way I loved them. I know that was desperate  and hankering, but what would you expect from a person who flunked in the subject of love twice? Not that I didn’t have friends. Until this day, they are my gold and the only assets who could possibly take a bullet for me. However, the love deprived state never left, it instead crawled within me… it poked at times, whenever I saw happy couples flaunting around. It hurt my insides in a way.

And then, somewhere out of the blue, I got this friend into life. I never understood how the gap between us bridged together or how our story dawned at the first place. I remember I loathed him before. However, he managed to become my best friend within a fortnight. The story never made sense to me(it doesn't even today).

Well, he was every bit of a guy, a girl would long for. Affectionate, witty and gorgeous. Never did I imagine myself with him; I didn’t want to adulterate our friendship this way. Besides, he was taken. It didn’t bother me though. He never left me once he held my hand. A true friend one could say. A person who took away my love craving state with his purest form of endearment-our friendship.

We were fond of each others company. We played, we giggled. We loved sharing times together. He helped me get rid of all my inferiority, taught me to stand for myself.  He was my savior in the shining armor.

Thus, our tight friendship blossomed with every passing day.

I didn’t have romantic love for him, neither did he? (I suppose, no). He was happy with his girl on the other side, while I was satisfied being his best friend on this side. My falling life had finally taken a good turn. 

Funny it was, when I asked him to find a guy for myself resembling him and his ideologies. Probably, because I didn’t believe I could get the impeccable him, so I would've been satisfied even with somebody like him. Besides, his girl and him, they were my ideal couple. They formed a spectacular instance of long lasting love. I began to have conviction in love, once again. May be it did prevail? I believed so, by now.

In this way, with transition into every new year of our friendship, our bond grew stronger.

I believe I never shared a bond so pure, so pious such as ours; with any being in my life before. He shielded me, and directed me like a mother. I, like a good student obeyed all his teachings. No sooner the person, who used to be my most hated rival before, turned into the closest person today.

However, like every tragic story, my ideal pair parted their ways one day. The person, who taught me to believe in love, had himself lost faith in love. He was crumpled. It was thus my turn now, to help my friend overcome the wreckage and feel emotions again.  

 Following  my heart, I made full attempts to bring my Sensei back to life. I tried instilling in him the same teachings that he had put into me.
We were great. A story that started out of nowhere had become too intense, too complex. He was for me, and his strength was I.

But but, amidst so much of chaos and helping, I deciphered I loved him. The parasite of love that was crawling within me for years, finally found its host. And it was none other than my best friend. 

When I think about it today,I feel it should've been awkward, but honestly at that time, it didn’t seem weird. It didn’t seem emotional, we didn’t say much, he didn’t say either. I never understood what or how it happened… it just happened. I feel, it resided in me from the time I discovered this friend. May be I realized it too late and maybe he would never even realize it. Or who knows, he doesn’t even have it.  May be his ex-partner was his everything, the love of his life and the only love he'd ever have for anybody. Even then, I really didn’t care if I had awakened in him even the slightest tinge of love. Because for sure, it did bud in me, again. It made me delighted. I didn’t have plans to let him know or ask about it. I didn’t expect him to retort back, for I knew I always will be his closest friend. I knew he was too well deserved for me. Also, the hand that he held for so long, in itself was the biggest happiness he could’ve given me. Loving such an amazing person was sufficient enough to bestow me with all the bliss needed, and anyways, he lit LOVE in me. That was bountiful to be optimistic about love in life. This rival turned savior for sure had messed up all the tables, again. And well, now when I think, the breakup that made me fall down years back, eventually lent me some confidence and positivity in life. And so today, here I think, everything that happens, happens for the good.